The Labour leadership contest took another unexpected twist today when it emerged that Andy Burnham’s ‘I’m a salt-of-the-earth, ordinary bloke’ interview with his parents earlier this week was actually staged, with the help of David Little and Sandra Holmes, out of work thespians currently on the books of actorz4cheap.com.
The interview contained a particularly emotional moment, when ‘Eileen’ confessed to having voted SDP in 1983 and, with a tear in her eye, told the Daily Mirror that He (Andy Burham) never lets me forget it. ‘Roy’ chimed in “we can’t go too far left. We’ve got to learn from this era”.
On further investigation we found that Sandra nor David have ever voted for Labour or the SDP. We discovered that Sandra is in fact an ardent Tory who was arrested for carrying an offensive weapon whilst loitering near a party celebrating Margaret Thatcher’s death in Barnsley. In interview she told our reporter “I hate those red bastards, but work’s short at the minute so you take what you can get” before adding “that said, nice little Cheshire cottage, family values, determined to appear working class – this chap could have a job with us when he loses to that bearded fucking commie”.
David, the man behind ‘Roy’ wasn’t so keen to give us his political opinion. On arrival at his house we found a box containing a colourful variety of empty spirit bottles on the step, and were told through the letterbox in no uncertain terms “if its not about work or fixing my broken shower, you can bugger off!”.
In the wake of this devestating revalation there has been a flurry of activity among some of the other leadership candidates. Liz Kendall hurriedly cancelled a scheduled interview with her auntie’s cat sitter for the Daily Express yesterday, and we’re told that Yvetter Cooper has just contacted the Mail to postpone a feature on her and her nan’s best mate from bridge club. Jeremy Corbyn seemed unflustered by events but did ask if were interested in a centre page spread on his plans for the renationalisation of the railways and the decommissioning of Trident. Actorz4cheap.com were unavailable for comment.
photo from mirror.co.uk